It's not fair, but that's the way it is
by OctoberLumos
Summary: Katniss needs to realize that the death of a loved one isn't her fault. Especially when that loved one is haunting her and possibly ruining the relationship she has with Peeta!


I own nothing HG related. This story has come from my thoughts and no one else's. I literally cried while writing this. I'm not even kidding.

Enjoy!

Taking place after Mockingjay, before the epilogue. Like the books, this is from Katniss's perspective.

Setting: Victor's Village.

I'm standing inside my house in Victor's Village for the first time since everything at the Capital happened. Peeta, Haymitch and I took a hovercraft back home an hour ago. I'm standing in the hall facing my stairs. My boots, clothes and hair are wet with show, my stomach is growling with hunger and my heart is heavy from sadness. I realize that Prim wont be setting foot back in this house. She wont be sitting at the kitchen table doing her homework, she won't be helping my mother mend the broken people of District 12.. There is no District 12.. She wont be sleeping in her bed.. Her bed.. I kick off my boots, toss my coat on the ground and run up to her room. It's exactly as she must have left it. Her med is made but it doesn't look perfect. It looks like Prim made it in a hurry. Her shirt is still on the floor where she probably dropped it after wearing it all day. Her pillows haven't been fluffed, I can tell because there's still an imprint from where her head lay on them. There is one of her long golden hairs laying on it. I can no longer stand it. I leave the room and head to the kitchen, sobbing. I start opening cabinets and throwing their contents on the floor. Bursting open boxes and bags of spices and food, then I start grabbing the dishes and screaming as I throw them at the walls and floor.

"WHY? WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN! COME HOME, PRIM! I NEED YOU! PLEASE, PRIM! WHY!" I am screaming so loud that some of my words are inaudible.

Suddenly I see Peeta standing at the kitchen doorframe, being very cautious incase I were to throw something at him. I must not have heard him come in because of my tantrum.

"Katniss?" he spoke gently.

"I CAN'T TAKE IT, PEETA! I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!" I scream through sobs and fall to the floor. Food all over myself, along with every where else, my hair has fallen from it's braid and it's tangled and sticking to my wet with tears face. Peeta walks over to me, avoiding as much of my mess as possible. He leaned down to me and pulled me up.

"Come on, lets get out of this mess, alright? Lets get you cleaned up. I'll take care of the kitchen later." he says as he walks me up the stairs to my room. He sets up a bath for me and tells me to get in while he cleans the kitchen.

"No." I reply.

"Katniss, please, just get in the tub before you get into bed. I'l; be right back up here after I clean the kitchen. Ok?" he was touching my face and speaking quietly to me while he spoke.

"Don't... Don't leave me alone." I manage to choke out. "Stay."

Peeta helps me undress but turns to face the wall while I get in.

"You can look at me, Peeta. I don't care." I say.

"That's why I don't want to look... Because you don't care." he replies.

I sat in the warm water thinking of his response for a few minutes, but then I start to cry again. Peeta comforts me by washing my hair and back. When I'm clean, I take my towel and get dressed while Peeta starts on the kitchen. When I get down stairs a little while later, the kitchen is clean. Peeta has set out a cup of hot tea for me with one of the cups I didn't manage to smash.

"You're going to need to get some food and dishes, Katniss... These two cups are all you have." his expression shows that he's very concerned for me.

"Ok. I'll go tomorrow." my voice is monotone every time I speak, even though I wish it wasn't, I can't seem to change it.

I have nightmares all through the night, each one ends with me watching my little sister die. When I wake the next morning I remember that I don't have food so I head for the market. I buy the food and dishes I need and then I go home to drop them off and put them away. After that, I go to Peeta's bakery to get some bread. When I get there, Peeta isn't there.

"Where's Peeta?" I ask one of the bakers.

"He's not in." says the baker in an annoyed tone.

"Where is he? Will he be here today?" I ask getting annoyed.

"I don't know. Come back later and see if he's here." I don't know why this set me off.

"WHERE IS PEETA? I NEED TO TALK TO PEETA! LET ME TALK TO HIM!" I am screaming at this man who isn't even moving. He just stares at me looking unconcerned as I yell at him. I start to cry, repeating "WHERE'S PEETA?" over and over again until someone grabs me by the shoulders to remove me from the bakery. I jerk away from their grasp and backhand them across the face.

"LET GO OF ME! DON'T TOUCH ME! WHER IS PEETA?" I'm out of control. I can hear her.. I can smell her, and I can see her. She's running very fast towards the trees. She must be after Buttercup, her tabby cat. "PRIM! PRIM! WHERE ARE YOU?" I've forgotten about Peeta and now my brain is urging me to search for Prim. She's laughing as she runs like it's some sort of game. I break out into a run and head for the woods where I saw her running. "PRIM! PRIM! ARE YOU THERE?" I'm screaming. Passers are looking at me with fear. "I'M COMING, PRIM! STAY THERE! I'M COMING!" Suddenly I run into someone and fall straight on my back into the snow.

"Prim?" my voice is shaky from all the yelling.

"What the hell are you doing running around screaming like that? And where's your coat and boots?" he sounded like a father scolding a child who was being careless.

"I... I saw.. I thought I saw..." I looked around the trees and realized what had happened. "I was looking for you, Peeta... Why weren't you there?" I started crying again. "Why weren't you there when I woke up? Why weren't you there at the market with me? Or at the bakery! Why weren't you there when they killed her? WHERE WERE YOU, PEETA? WHY WEREN'T YOU THERE? SHE NEEDED ME AND I WASN'T THERE! YOU WERE MY BACKUP, YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!" more tears and yelling. Peeta sat down next to me and pulled me into a hug.

" Lets go home, Katniss. I'll be with you until you ask me to leave." he said softly while helping me to my feet.

He held my hand the entire way and gave me his coat. I tried to collect myself as we walked home. When we got inside, I showed him the new dishes, but he only looked into my eyes. I knew he could see how broken I was. Not just through my actions, but it was like he was looking directly into my soul. I walked over to him and he slowly, unsurely, put his arms around my waist. I put mine around his neck. He feels so warm when I put my head on his chest. He takes one of his hands and rubs my back and with the other he runs his fingers through my unbraided hair. He lets go of me and heads to the living room to light a fire. As soon as his body leaves mine I go into a sort of panic. Like a puppy, I follow him frantically into the other room, begging to be back in his arms. I feel like a frightened and lost child that begs for the comfort of someone they know and trust. For me, that person is Peeta. He looks down into my eyes as we sit on the floor in front of the fire.

"I know it's not easy, but maybe I can help you get through it?" he asked.

"You can't leave me alone again, Peeta... They get in my head and play tricks... And I see her." I whisper.

"I won't leave you alone. I have work and you can't come with me, so maybe you can stay with Haymitch until this goes away." he suggests.

My only response is hugging him. I want his arms around me. We eat dinner quietly and then get to bed. It's been a long day. Peeta gets in my bed after his shower. I immediately embrace him as soon as he is covered in the warm sheets. He wraps his arm around me and looks at me. His eyes sparkle even in the dead of night.

"You don't have to be scared, Katniss.. Not with me here, ok?" he said before he kissed my forehead.

"Ok." I whispered before kissing his lips.

I woke up the next morning laying alone in my bed. Did I dream Peeta was here last night? No, I couldn't have! But maybe I did... I got out of bed and opened the bedroom door. A delicious smell floated through the air and when I breathed it in, my stomach growled almost instantly. It was coming from the kitchen so I ran down stairs to find Peeta putting two plates full of breakfast on the table. Something came over me and I ran across the kitchen, flung my arms around him and kissed him full on the lips. As we were kissing, he put his hands on my waist, pressing our bodies together and causing the kiss to last longer. I didn't object. The kiss seemed to have lasted a long time, but Peeta pulled away remembering that he needed to eat and leave for work. He ate quickly and said,

"Ok, Kat. All you have to do is call Haymitch, make sure he's home, which he will be, and go over to his house until seven or eight tonight." he said.

"Ok, I can do that." I lied.

He kisses me once more on the lips and heads to the door. Before he leaves he says, "Please be safe today, Katniss. And stay inside.. I don't want you getting lost in thought and running for it again, ok? When I get home I want to see you here. Ok?" he sounds worried.

"I'll be here when you get home. I won't go wondering off, I promise." I say, this time I'm being honest.

When I'm done eating and cleaning the dishes, I hear a funny sound coming from upstairs. It sounds like someone is moving a chair around a room repeatedly. I run up the stairs and listen for the noise to happen again.

"No! No! Katniss, help me!" I hear her voice so clearly, but I remember Peeta telling me to ignore it because it isn't real, but I continue to stand still to listen. Suddenly, she's downstairs and heading out the back door. I bolt to the downstairs back door where I had just heard her running to and I am outside in the snow wearing only my pajama pants and t-shirt.

"Prim?" I yell out towards the woods. I see a pair of boots and socks that I must have left at the door the other day and I put them on. Although I am freezing, I still want to go look for Prim. The back of my mind is telling me it isn't real, telling me to do what Peeta said and call Haymitch, but the louder part of my mind says to go and find my little sister.

"Prim? I'm coming!" I yell while running to the woods in my backyard. I can hear her cries for help up in the trees, and down over the hill. I run towards the hill and at the bottom is a frozen pond. There stands Prim. Right on the thin ice. She's smiling at me and saying something but I can't hear what it is.

"Don't move, Prim! The ice will break!" and right I was. The ice busts and Prim falls through feet first. I run to the bottom of the hill and dive straight in without hesitation. The water feels like it's squeezing me like a snake. My eyes are sore from the cold but I don't dare shut them. I come up for air and head back down in search for Prim, hoping I find her before the cold kills her. But she's nowhere to be seen! How can this be? I saw her fall in! My body is starting to reject movements and my head becomes overwhelmingly dizzy from lack of oxygen. Everything goes black as my body stiffens and I lose continuousness.

When I wake I'm under massive amounts of blankets in a place that is not my home. Peeta is holding one of my hands and is asleep. I look around and realize that I am in a hospital. Peeta wakes when he feels my hand pull from his.

"Katniss! Oh my God." he says while springing from his chair and kissing my face. "You're alive!"

I don't say anything, or look at him. This hospital looks very strange. Why does this room have a couch in it? And it's own bathroom with a shower/tub? And why do I have a few weeks worth of clothes here? How long have I been here?

"What's going on, Peeta?" I ask. My voice is shaking with fear for his answer.

"You were in a frozen pond, Katniss. Drowning. They think you tried to kill yourself. If Haymitch hadn't found you-" I cut him off.

"Haymitch? Where is he?"

"In the hospital. Don't worry, he's fine. I called him a few hours ago. Now, why, Katniss.." he was tearing up. "Why were you trying to kill yourself?"

"What? I wasn't! I didn't try to.. Prim! She was on the pond and it broke! She was drowning, I went in to... to save her." at the end of my sentence I felt stupid, remembering that Prim is dead and that I really must have looked like I was suicidal. Peeta was pacing. He had something to tell me and I could tell he was going to have a hard time telling me.

"What is it, Peeta?" I ask quietly while trying to get up from my bed.

"You can't come home for a while, Katniss.. They said you have to stay here for a few weeks... Until they see improvement. They think you're paranoid about Prim dying and it being your fault, so they think that's why you're suicidal." he doesn't look at me when he says this.

"Peeta, you don't believe that, do you? I'd never try to kill myself. I know it's all in my head, but it sounds and looks so real when it's happening!" I'm begging him to believe me. The pleading in my voice is like a child who is afraid of punishment.

"You can't come home, Kat. Not until you're ready."

"But I am ready! Tell them! Tell them how you stay with me and I'm fine! Tell them I won't get better if I'm away from you!" I'm crying while holding his shoulders, looking into his eyes that are filled with tears.

"You have to stay.. And I have to leave you here to get better.. I will visit on weekends." he wipes his tears with his sleeve and gently pushes me away from him so he can leave.

"No!" I yell and try to grab him before he closes the door. When it shuts it locks from the outside.

"Peeta! PEETA! NO! PLEASE! COME BACK! PEETA PLEASE! PLEASE COME BACK!" I'm sobbing and banging on the window of the door. My fingernails clawing at the wood part of the door, trying desperately to escape like an animal trapped in a snare. A woman in a light blue dress comes in once I abandon the door and head for the window which isn't breaking when I throw chairs at it. She jabs a needle into my arm before I can stop her and she walks me to my bed, whispering to me words that I don;t understand.

"Wake up, Katniss." a voice calls out. "It's lunch time."

I must have been sleeping for about 17 hours because it's friday and it's lunch time. I'm angry when I find that I'm still in this awful place and it's not my home. I'm even more angry that Peeta left me here. No... Maybe I'm not angry with Peeta.. I think I'm just hurt. When I get to lunch there are lots of people. Some look very afraid of things, while others looks very angry. A man who is violently chewing his meat looks up at me and sneers. I see a man with broad shoulders and curly blond hair.

"Peeta?" i say loud enough for him to hear. The man does not move. It isn't Peeta. I eat lunch next to a woman named Knicks who has a beautiful face and cuts all over her arms. She said she hates it here because her caretaker, Rane, is in love with her. After lunch we are sent to a room where we do whatever we want. Most people talk to each other or write letters to loved ones. I look around and take mental notes and pictures.. I want to escape. After an hour or so we can go back to our rooms. They are checked twice a day for any weapons or things that we could harm ourselves or others with.

"Here you go, Katniss." a woman hands me a letter when I get to my room. The letter is from Haymitch, it reads,

"Sweetheart,

I know you weren't trying to drown or freeze yourself when you jumped into that pond. You have to stay in that place until you're well enough to come back. You probably realized this by now, you're a danger to yourself and others. For example, I was in the hospital for two days because I had to save your frozen ass from that pond. Now I'm not asking you to feel bad about it, but I'm asking you to stay put. Take the medicines they give you, do what they ask and you'll get to be home quicker. The more you resist them, the longer you'll have to stay. As for Peeta, I hope you know that you hurt him really bad this time, sweetheart. You cut him deep, lying to him and saying you were going to stay out of trouble. He misses you. He's been sleeping at your house instead of his. Anyway, we can't wait to have to back. Remember what I said about everything.

-Haymitch"

After reading his letter, I sat on my bed and thought it over. I had hurt Peeta for lying to him, I guess.. But I probably hurt him worse for putting my life in jeopardy. He's done what I was doing in the Games.. He had been trying to protect me.. To keep me alive as I was doing for him and now I'm throwing that away because of- (my thought was cut off by Prim who was standing at the window. When I had tried to bust it open it didn't work, but for some reason it was open now and Prim was laughing while standing on the edge.

"Prim! Get down from there!" I shouted. To anyone else who saw me at this moment, they'd think I was going mad for yelling at the window like it was a person. But just then, Prim turns to look at me, she smiles and winks and then jumps off of the window. When I run to it, it's shut, locked and bared off. I must be about nine stories up.

"PRIM!" I banged my hands on the window shouting for her. The nurse came in and pulled me to my bed. She kept saying "I know, I know, Katniss. I know." in a kind voice as I begged her to understand what Prim was doing. She gave me a green pill and a blue one. I wasn't sure about taking them, but then I remembered Haymitch's letter and I swallowed both.

I woke up the next morning remembering that it's saturday, visitation day. Peeta could come at any time between 1pm and 10pm. The hours ran so late because some of the patients are required to sleep for strange hours of the day and it wouldn't be fair to them otherwise. So I did everything I was supposed to do, eat my breakfast and lunch, take my medicine and I even talked to Knicks, the pretty woman with the cuts. Soon it was visitation time and many unfamiliar faces came through the door. But no Peeta. The next time I looked at the clock it was 3pm. Still no Peeta. After I ate dinner alone, I was so angry that he'd leave me here while everyone else saw their loved ones. Was I being punished by him? I was walking towards my room when I heard a voice from behind me.

"Hey." the voice was quiet and calm, but familiar. I turned to see it was Peeta. He reached his arms out to hug me but I took a step back from him.

"Why are you here so late? You don't work weekends, so don't even try to make up an excuse!" I said with so much anger in my voice that my hands were in fists and they were shaking.

"Haymitch told me to wait.. He said that I should come after dinner so I can try to help you sleep. I wanted to come earlier, but he told me to trust him." Peeta took two steps closer to me and pulled me into a hug. He kissed my forehead and apologized for upsetting me. We walked into my room, closed the door and sat on my bed.

"I want to get out of here, Peeta." I say with a stoney expression.

"I know you do. And I want you out too. Sleeping alone is awful. Katniss, I have nightmares every night without you." his hand was on my knee.

I looked up into his beautiful eyes that sparkle in the dark and I kiss his cheek.

"Me too. Only, when I'm awake, the nightmares are still there."

Peeta takes my face in his hands and kisses my lips. His are warm against mine. He starts kissing my neck and I lay back on the bed while he crawls on top of me. This is the first time we've been truly intimate.

"When you come home, I want everything to be perfect. I want to officially move in with you, never leave you, and I want to take care of you." he says while working his kisses back up to my lips. When they meet, they part and our tongues tangle. I've never had a kiss like this before and it makes an almost electric current zap like lightning through my body all the way to my fingers and toes. I moan into his mouth and he starts to move his hand towards the button of my pants. My eyes flip open and I look at the clock on the wall. It's only 8pm so I close my eyes and relax again. Peeta puts his hand down the front of my pants and I lift my hips up to him, letting him know that I'm alright with what he's doing. As he kisses my neck he rubs my center and I drag my fingernails across his chest with one hand, and rub his erection with the other. I've never felt like this before. I want more. I feel like a bloodthirsty beast as I kiss him hungrily, pulling him closer to me and using my free hand to help his hand that is touching my center. Pushing his fingers further and harder into me. I start to moan loudly and Peeta whispers

"You have to be quieter than that! Someone will come in!"

After a few minutes more he tells me that he'll make love to me when I get back home when I'm better. So we lay on my bed side by side and I tell him about all the times fake Prim has come and Peeta says

"As soon as fake Prim is gone, you can be yourself again. The real Prim would want that."

He's right. Now I am determined to make the fake Prim leave. I need to accept that the real Prim has passed away and that it is not my fault.

"Prim is gone. It wasn't my fault she died, but good people die every day. It's not fair, but that's the way it is." I say to Peeta.

"That's right. And once that's clear enough in your head, the Prim impostor will leave you alone." He said and kissed my on the cheek.

Soon after that I fell asleep. When I woke it was Sunday and I was completely alone in my room.

"Fake Prim?" I feel a little stupid talking like this when I can't even see the fake Prim, but I continue.

"If you're listening, which I know you are... I just want you to know that it is not my fault that the real Prim died.. I could do nothing to save her... I love her so much and it should have been me..." I start to cry and take long pauses between my sentences.

"You need to leave me alone because I don't need to be screwing everything up. Peeta loves me and he wants me home, just like the real Prim would... Does." I corrected myself. "Prim wants me home because she knows I'll be happy if I'm home with Peeta. So please, just let me be happy again... Just go away." I wipe my eyes and am sort of surprised at the lack of response.

Through the next 5 days there's so much improvement in me that the doctors say I'm "Home free!" and I flee from that dreadful place and when I get home it's 5pm and Peeta is in the kitchen making himself dinner. I can see him though the window. I didn't tell him I was coming because I wanted to surprise him.

"Peeta?" I call out. He comes around the corner with fresh rolls on a pan in his hands. He drops them to the floor when he sees me and he wraps his arms around me tightly.

"Are you here to stay? The doctor's didn't call me! Are you better?" he was looking deeply into my eyes, pleading for me to give a positive answer.

"The doctors let me leave early because I'm well. I finished her off, Peeta! I told the fake Prim to leave, and she did! I'm free! And I'm me again!" and I ending my sentence with a very passionate kiss that turned into the most wonderful lovemaking possible. Peeta and I were together again at last. My live nightmares couldn't hurt me anymore and I couldn't hurt Peeta anymore. We were together and stronger than ever.

The end

Review! Let me know what you thought! This was my second story, by the way! I really hope you enjoyed it!


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